The last words Lucie said to me were, "I love you, Barbie." There was something in her voice that scared the crap out of me when she said it. She'd told me she loved me before, she was like a mom to me when I was at SUNY Maritime. But, something about the fear in her voice let me know that the statement preceding the "I love you" was not to be. She had just told me that she would be dancing at my wedding in May. This was a few short weeks before her passing.
Perhaps it wasn't possible that she physically be present at my wedding, but she certainly was present there in spirit.
In one of our last conversations, we had talked about how I wanted to be a mom; I was afraid I wouldn't be able to as a result of my endometriosis. Lucie told me that I should have faith, that somehow it would happen. She spoke as if she somehow knew I would have no trouble conceiving right away.
We had talked about what I would name my baby, if it was a girl, and she sounded certain that the first child I would have would be a girl. I had told Lucie that I wanted to call her "L.E." after my favorite baby doll when I was a kid. I knew her middle name would be Elizabeth, after my great grandmother, and Jonathan's great grandmother... I just needed a good "L" name for her first name. I had told her I was considering "Layla." Neither of us wanted to say what we both knew... if Lucie didn't make it to my wedding, the first name would be Lucie. In Jewish tradition, it's bad luck to name for those still alive, so neither of us wanted to say what we were thinking. She knew, and I hope she felt honored. Then again, she wasn't the type to just not say anything... if she didn't like the idea, she would have told me. She wasn't the type of person to ever hold her tongue. I admired her for that. It's one of those crazy redhead things. It's usually what gets us into trouble. ;-)
She did say that "L.E." was a beautiful modern twist on an old fashioned name with Southern Charm. She commented on its similarity to her granddaughter's nickname, Ella. She told me how much she loved the nickname... and how she thought that any kid I had with Jonathan would be a musical genius, and she hoped that my daughter would inherit my crazy redheaded tendencies, over Jonathan's quiet reserve.
She told me that Jonathan intimidated her with his quietness... she wanted him to like her... but he was just "so freaking smart, like a rocket scientist." Well, Lucie, Jonathan liked you... I had a hard time suggesting your name for our daughter, it was too soon, the pain was still too new. I knew that Lucie Elizabeth was the perfect name for our child, but I couldn't bring myself to suggest it outright, and say "THIS IS THE NAME!!!!" I suggested a lot of other names first, and then, threw Lucie into the mix. Jonathan agreed on Lucie, and he actually talks to my belly, calling her "Lucie" far more often than her nickname of "L.E."
Now, as tomorrow marks one year since Lucie Evens has been in heaven, I dream every night of her holding my sweet baby daughter-to-be. She tells me that she's waiting for the perfect moment to hand her to me. She tells me that I must remind Jonathan to sing to our baby every day. She tells me L.E.'s favorite song will be "For the Longest Time" by Billy Joel... and adds, "Not that her Momma didn't already know that... from the kicking at the Stony Brook High C's concert when they performed that song." It seems so real. It's as if you never left.
The Tree of Life from my wedding ceremony will sit perched on my daughter's dresser... so all those angels who have supported my husband and I throughout our lives up until her conception can sit and watch over her as she sleeps. Lucie, your photo was the first one to be added to the tree. I remember how thrilled you were, to be added to the "Tree of Life" at Relay for Life: Lindenhurst. I think you'd be horrified that it's been cancelled this year. I will have to find another walk to Support the Fight Against Breast Cancer... one that is stroller friendly.
As I feel contractions come, and then slow, and then return, I hope for the beauty of my daughter's smile to match the beauty of the soul she is named for. I can't wait for my baby to make her grand entrance, one that is fitting for a girl called "Lucie."
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