So, it's 3:30 am. I had to bring my baby to the nursery at the hospital and leave her there, alone, with only 1 nurse there to care for a ton of babies. Why would I do this, when it hurts me so much that I'm crying hysterically now, and I can't stop? It's 80 degrees in my room. Every time I put L.E. down, she screams, every time I pick her up, she overheats. She is so red, she looks like she has a sunburn, and she was so hot, I thought she was getting feverish. I really want to go home with her tomorrow (a day early), so I can't have her getting sick because of the heat. She's a little tiny cuddle bug, and all she wants is to nestle in on me, and sleep, but she was sweating so much doing that, it's just not safe. Besides, I shouldn't fall asleep while holding her, and I was about to, for lack of sleep the last two nights.
It's not fair. I worked so hard to have her. I was strapped down to a bed from Thursday afternoon through Saturday morning with the attempted induction. Then, Saturday morning, I had the C-Section, and she had been non-responsive on the NST, and was a bit groggy from the meds I'd been given during induction, so she had to go to the NICU. I didn't get to really see her until she was 3 hours old. I was devastated. Then, because I'd been on the magnesium sulfate during the induction (from the pre-eclampsia), I had to stay in the recovery area for 24 hours. That meant that Jonathan wasn't allowed to stay with me overnight the first night, as there were other women there. I had to send the baby back to the nursery, since I couldn't get up to change her diaper, retreive her formula, anything. If I couldn't care for her on my own, she had to be in the nursery.
Last night, the heat was excruciating. It was 80 degrees in the room. All LE wants to do at night is cuddle. If you try to put her in the bassinet, and she can see you, she screams until you pick her up. If she can't see you, she rolls over until she can. Yes, my daughter is only 2 days old, and she already knows how to roll over. Not completely, but she'll roll onto her sides to see left or right, and she doesn't just move her head, she rolls her whole body. She can even do this while in a swaddler. Good muscle tone, kid!
Jonathan and I complained on at least 6 seperate occasions, to different people at the hospital about the heat issue both last night, and during the day yesterday. Nothing was done. During the day, the room was a bit cooler, as my sister had brought a fan from home. That made it a bit better, but not enough. Tonight, it got hot again. We don't really want to sleep with the door open, but that's the only way to alleviate the heat problem, and then, it doesn't solve it, it just makes it a bit more tolerable. LE doesn't understand that, though. She just wants to be held and cuddled, and have someone pay attention to her, which I would be more than happy to do, if it was safe to do so.
Giving her up to let the nursery take care of her makes me feel like crap. I wish I could just stay there, and care for her there, but it's quiet hours, so I'm not allowed in, for some reason. I'm Lucie's mom, I should be able to care for her. But maybe, part of being a good mom is knowing that the room is too hot, and I can't let her tiny body overheat?
Hopefully, tomorrow, we can go home, and then we'll be a happy family. I love my baby, and I just want to hold her.
I know and appreciate everyone who came to visit, who held her when I needed rest for the last two days, and I appreciate it. But now that I'm feeling up to the task of caring for my bundle of joy, I feel like I'm being robbed of something so special, because I just can't do it. Jonathan agrees the room is way too hot for a baby, but I'm not sure he understands why I'm crying so much about it.
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