On My Due Date

As I sit here, typing, I am aware that as I begin typing this, it is less than an hour away from February 10th. February 10th, 2012 has a lot of significance. It is the day that Lucasfilms decided to move up the release of 3D Star Wars I to. It is also the day that I was due to deliver my dear daughter, Lucie Elizabeth.

In the last 2 weeks and 6 days, since I gave birth to her early, I have learned so much. First, I feel that, although I was in labor for 5 days, 2 of which were spent trying to artificially induce me, and there was a difficult Cesarean Section at the end, I gave berth to her for 8 1/2 months, but I'm not quite sure that I birthed her. What I went through was more traumatic to my body than a normal spontaneous vaginal delivery (NSVD), but I never pushed or gave that energy to force her out of her hiding spot in my tummy. I never used those muscles to push her out into the world. I feel a bit jipped, and I feel as if I was handed this beautiful little girl, and although I worked plenty hard to have her be born at all, I do feel a sense of loss at not getting to the point of being able to push.

I have learned that, after 2 days and only getting from "barely a pinky fingertip" to "1 to 2" while having Cytotec inserted every four hours, I will not attempt a VBAC when Jonathan and I decide to have more kids. I had always thought that if I had a C-section, I would want a VBAC. I was right, and I do want a VBAC, but I know that my body is not capable of delivering naturally, so why subject myself to the potential of my baby going into distress because it takes so long and I barely dilate, and end up needing a C-section again anyway. I had thought I would be depressed if I had to make that decision, and while it's not a decision I like, it makes the most sense, and it is right for me and my family. Early on in my pregnancy, I may have passed judgement on some people who had multiple C-Sections, because they were unwilling to attempt VBAC. Well, having tried to NSVD in the first place, I know now that I would not attempt a VBAC.

I have learned that I would do ANYTHING for my little girl. I would go to the moon and back if she needed me to. I have also learned that babies are not footballs to be passed around from person to person. I have learned that there are many people who don't realize this, because everyone wants to hold her. I can honestly say that, as her mother, I would never get a chance to hold her, if I let everyone hold her that wanted to. There just aren't enough seconds in the minutes in the hours in the days...

I have learned that I have never felt so loved.

I have learned that the best feeling in the WORLD is having my little girl cuddled up against me with a blanket "kangaroo style."

I have learned that people are idiots, and even if your little girl is wearing an empire waist shirt with blue flowers on it, people will refer to her as a "he" simply because she's wearing blue and the baby has short hair. REALLY?! Blue is not a boy's color. Pink is not a girl's color. I think that all colors are gender neutral. It is society that attaches a gender assignment to color. I think that this is wrong, and I've always thought it was wrong... stemming from my thoughts as a young child, when asked why purple was my favorite color. My reply that purple was not a boy's color and not a girl's color. It was both mixed. I, at the time, recognized that I enjoyed many traditionally boy's toys and activities (teenage mutant ninja turtles, ghost busters, man hunt), but I also enjoyed my tea parties and dolls, which are traditionally girl's toys/activities.

I have learned that two glow worms are better than one. Lucie has a pink one and a blue one. Since they are machine washable if you remove the battery packs, it's great so long as you only give the baby one at a time, and then you have a back up in case there is a need for it.

I have learned that I have good taste in strollers (must be the trend setter in me), because everywhere I take Lucie in the Amethyst Baby Jogger City Select, some mom or mom-to-be is asking me about it.

I've learned to try to sleep when Lucie sleeps... just put everything down and finish or add on to it later... like this post.... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz